The Idiot's Guide To Group Introductions

As part of corporate orientation, each new(ish) hire was paired with another new(ish) hire so that we would have a buddy during orientation.  We were given a script of questions to ask about each other, and then we were supposed to come to orientation with a gift idea (you don’t actually have to buy it) for the other person.  Here is how I see my speech going:

**Names of people and places have been changed to protect the identities of individuals involved**

Thank you!  Well, my name is Jamal Black and I am here to introduce Bilary Hecker.

(start as if regaling the group with a delightful story of profound human interest)… You know when you meet someone and you make that connection that says:

“We talked for, like, a half hour... (dramatic pause)… and we asked some pre-determined questions… (dramatic pause)…and now we know some random facts about one another…” (pause for laughter)

Well that’s what we have.  So, I’ve been wracking my mind for at least… (pause to think)… a few minutes… (pause for laughter)… and I’ve been trying to decide what I should get, as an imaginary gift, for my new partner… (dramatic pause)… in crime… (pause for laughter)… that would represent this new… (with emphasis)… thing… (continue)… that has happened.

After not so much careful consideration, I decided that I would get some green play-doh.  Green, because it represents growing things like… (pause to think)… grass… (continue with hesitation as if you are having trouble coming up with ideas)… or broccoli, or spinach… (continue as normal).  Play-doh, because we can form this friendship into whatever we want… (dramatic pause)… and then bake it in the oven of life… (dramatic pause)… and it will stay that way for… (pause to think)… a while… (trail off questioningly)… I think…