Sidekick Wife Does A Full Circle

Happy mother's day to mothers everywhere... but especially the sidekick wife.  Motherhood is an amazing service and incredible station.  Flowers don't really do it justice.

I've been converting some old videos of my sidekick wife and posting them on Facebook.  I've always enjoyed them... but approaching fatherhood has made me appreciate them even more, I think.

We can all imagine how our loved ones were before we knew them but it's sort of fascinating to truly see the woman I now know... as a child.  I can almost envision how she became who she is, how layers were added to that child to create the uniqueness that is Michelle.  It's like being told how a magic trick works, like witnessing the birth of creation.  I've seen the end result already... but witnessing the initial impetus and genesis is all the more intriguing and enjoyable.

Little Shelly has the same smile that I love, only it is full and free... unfettered.  For all that I cherish seeing her smile and laugh as a woman... to see the pure version of it on a child fills me with awe.  Joy radiates from her in a way that I've never seen before... not because she's no longer good enough but because the adult, modern version of my sidekick wife is too complex and full of exquisite subtlety to capture such a single, unbridled emotion.

I like that little girl in the videos.  She is sweet of heart, earnest and creative.  I would want her to be my son's friend... and, fortunately, she will be.  Michelle will be his best friend.  For years.  She'll be his first love, first kiss, the standard by which he judges all future women.  I like that.

Not everyone walks the road of being a parent and for awhile it was hard for us to find this path.  We're fast approaching our tenth anniversary.  When we were married I would have laughed at anyone who said we wouldn't even start trying to have children for almost a decade.  I imagined having multiple children by now... but life is a strange, mercurial thing.

Michelle and I are both thirty.  When I think about that I am simply astounded.  I still think of myself as a barely-adult, an almost-man.  Thirty sounds so... mature... on a different level than that which I feel in myself.  As a child I always thought adults had acquired enough knowledge to fill up every decision with reason and wisdom.  They always seemed so... confident.  One of the interesting things I've come to believe is that only fools are ever filled with the sort of absolute confidence and security in life choices that I used to associate with adulthood (a confidence and security different from trust in God).

I'm an adult and I'm winging it as much as I ever have.  Sure, I think ahead more.  I plan more.  I probably make wiser decisions than I used to.  That doesn't mean I'm not guessing at things.  It's a less than inspiring feeling when I think of being a father, honestly.

Fortunate for me, I know this simple fact:  Michelle will be an amazing mother.  All of the wonderful qualities of intent and joy and radiating spirit that I see in those videos of little Shelly will come full circle... and I'm the father who will get to share in and benefit from it.

This is the first mother's day that we have been blessed to have a living child... not birthed yet, but present  and constantly kicking and full of electric life.  I am excited for what the future holds and constantly thinking about the incredible mother that I will witness as much as the son that will be with her always.

From Sixteen To Marriage

Paranoid Loneliness

cloaked in shrouds of brash words

and the false bravado of youth

eyes unsmiling tell the story

of almost men and near women

searching frantic for someone

who reminds them

of what Jackie Wilson said

- JB 08/15/11

Per normal, I have little meaningful to say - though even less this time.

I was just remembering today what it was like to be single.  Fortunately, I married young or I certainly would have gone crazy.  Everyone I met was first considered as a potential mate and second as a person.  I was an almost man on a mission, for certain, though in many ways it was a waste of time.

I was rarely interested enough to try a relationship and even then didn't commit to it.  Man is nothing if not often self-defeating and I fit the bill more often than most.  Eventually I came to a point where I decided that it was going to happen or not, and I gave up trying.  Within months Shelly and I were dating.