Shh... There It Is Again. Did You Hear It?

Somewhere in the distance a clock is tick-tocking.

Mostly the sound gets drowned out by the buzz and hum of day to day life as it drones inexorably on, but there are times when I imagine that I can almost hear the repetitive soft mechanical clashing as my swiftly passing days go by.  Aware as I am in those moments of the fleeting nature and unknown length of my existence in this world, I am at once disarmed by the entirety and magnitude of it all, while simultaneously I feel empowered by the urgency of needed actions which will raise the sum of my life to something worthy of the gift.

When I was 19 and 20, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.  I signed up for college under the belief that I was “supposed” to, but had no internal drive for it and no end goal in mind beyond the supposition that I might stumble upon a subject which interested me enough to pursue as a career.  In the end, I found some interesting subjects, but not nearly enough of them and fewer still maintained my interest beyond the first few weeks.  After a few semesters, I failed out of Purdue University.  I did not, in fact, Boiler Up.

Faced with the vastness of infinite choice, I floundered.

Many instances upon a time, I have again had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.  I felt then, and continue to feel, the persistent need to live a life of consequence but what does that mean, even?  Yeah, there are the universal principles of service to God and service to fellow man, but how do I apply such principles to my own specific life in a way that suits my strengths and interests?  How do I achieve something uniquely me - or should that even be a consideration?  Well-intentioned but non-confident action is better than inaction, but what if more thought and consideration before acting would magnify the effect of future actions?  What if it doesn’t?

There is a fine line between planning and floundering - a razor’s edge, even.  I have faltered in the past but, though I lived to regret it, I used that remaining life to work hard and recover from my first pass at college.

The Great Newspaper Upstairs is writing my story even now.

The deadline approaches.

tick-tock… tick-tock… tick-tock…

Do I have time to recover again?

Non-Buyer's Remorse and The Great Newspaper Upstairs

I have often described my sense of humor as the absence of a sense of humor; in the same way as a darkened room can only be described in terms of the absence of light. At the same time, I like to think of myself as a witty funnyman - underrated, even.  After all, I amuse myself thoroughly.

My status updates on Facebook from a year ago still make me laugh when I scroll back and look at them.  It is these status updates, however, that have flipped my world upside down (more on this later).

Mostly I make obnoxious observations, puns that aren’t funny so much as observational and juxtaposed against reality.  I also tend towards self-deprecating jokes because I generally don’t mind being the victim.  Here again I tend to think that I’m hilarious, having told people before that the only problem with a self-deprecating sense of humor is that I am pretty funny.

Well The Great Newspaper Upstairs can stop the presses because the veil has been removed from in front mine eyes.  (How did it happen king?) Yes, everybody wants to know, don't they? (Most people.)

I’ll tell you:

There I was, minding my own business and lost in a sea of self-worth – believing I was an undiscovered comedic genius - when all of the sudden I stumbled across a Demetri Martin stand-up video on Netflix.

As he delivered his first joke, I laughed.  Laughter quickly turned into mirth, in that I realized his sense of humor was more or less equivalent to mine – and he was famous!  Finally, some proof to support my delusions of grandeur.

It was a happy moment indeed.

As time went on, however, I noticed some obvious differences.  First of all, he is talented.  He plays the piano and the guitar.  Even more impressively, he can draw on charts with both hands – at the same time!  Secondly, I have to assume that he is at least moderately funnier than me (because he works at it).  To sum, he is the talented, funnier version of me.

As his routine ended, I was conflicted.  Do I follow my initial plan of action by linking myself to him as an announcement of my discovery to the world, hoping that the inevitable comparisons come out favorably; or do I keep silence, knowing that people would recognize the same differences that I did and announce me a fool?  There was humiliation risk, certainly.  I had to think on it.

In hindsight, thinking on it was a foolish decision.

Many instances upon a time, I have found something at the store that I really liked, but couldn't decide whether or not to fork the money over in order to buy it.  I left the store to ponder my purchase, only to come back the next day to find that the desired item had sold out.  The same principles of non-buyer’s remorse were in play with this decision, only I didn’t know it at the time, which is quite tragic.

In the end, I think that I can compare myself to Demetri and feel comfortable dismissing any naysayers.  No comparison is perfect, but many of my status updates could easily fit into his routine.  Besides, even if he is funnier… he has all day to come up with his material.  I will not make that case, however, because it would only serve to sadden me further (though I suppose I am making that case indirectly right now).

The thing is - I like standup.  I watch a lot of it.  But the more I consider his standup - I didn’t find "the talented, funnier version of me" to be all that funny.

And that isn't amusing in the slightest.