Somewhere in the distance a clock is tick-tocking.
Mostly the sound gets drowned out by the buzz and hum of day to day life as it drones inexorably on, but there are times when I imagine that I can almost hear the repetitive soft mechanical clashing as my swiftly passing days go by. Aware as I am in those moments of the fleeting nature and unknown length of my existence in this world, I am at once disarmed by the entirety and magnitude of it all, while simultaneously I feel empowered by the urgency of needed actions which will raise the sum of my life to something worthy of the gift.
When I was 19 and 20, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I signed up for college under the belief that I was “supposed” to, but had no internal drive for it and no end goal in mind beyond the supposition that I might stumble upon a subject which interested me enough to pursue as a career. In the end, I found some interesting subjects, but not nearly enough of them and fewer still maintained my interest beyond the first few weeks. After a few semesters, I failed out of Purdue University. I did not, in fact, Boiler Up.
Faced with the vastness of infinite choice, I floundered.
Many instances upon a time, I have again had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I felt then, and continue to feel, the persistent need to live a life of consequence but what does that mean, even? Yeah, there are the universal principles of service to God and service to fellow man, but how do I apply such principles to my own specific life in a way that suits my strengths and interests? How do I achieve something uniquely me - or should that even be a consideration? Well-intentioned but non-confident action is better than inaction, but what if more thought and consideration before acting would magnify the effect of future actions? What if it doesn’t?
There is a fine line between planning and floundering - a razor’s edge, even. I have faltered in the past but, though I lived to regret it, I used that remaining life to work hard and recover from my first pass at college.
The Great Newspaper Upstairs is writing my story even now.
The deadline approaches.
Do I have time to recover again?tick-tock… tick-tock… tick-tock…
