I turn to walk backwards, convinced that the things I have seen hold more meaning than what lies ahead. My progress does not stop, and moving on I take focus of things only after they have occurred. Too late do I realize that I have forfeited new moments, even as the old ones I value the most slip away into the horizon, becoming lost in time and memory. - JB 11/20/11
I don’t often recall my dreams, but I’m a hero in them when I do. Last night I was a crime fighter. Before that, I starred as an unbeatable warrior in a Greek mythology styled tale. Maybe tonight I’ll be a Total Recall-esque accidental hero with a bit of Jason Bourne thrown in for kicks. Whatever the story, it’s clear that my dreams appreciate me more than you do.
Everyone is a hero in their own mind, and also a villain. It’s strange how we can over-value our own abilities and input in the world, while knowing of, and obsessing over, our faults at the same time… but we do. The brain is constantly categorizing, ranking, and assessing. It’s a normal part of the human condition, though most of the time such observations as guide our judgments are rather superficial... even when it comes to ourselves. In fact, I have come to believe that most people don’t truly take the time to get to know themselves. Instead, they take it for granted that such a knowledge is inherent – which it most certainly is not.
As Michelle and I progress farther into the pregnancy of our first child, I have been giving more thought to who I am… or maybe… I have been giving more thought to who I want my child to know me as. I will be a hero to my child no matter what I do, or at least I think that’s the way things tend to work, (and I wouldn’t mind being part of the norm), but there will come a point when this child will begin to reassess everything they know about the world – relationships included.
In many ways, people like to think that I am an extrovert – and I might be – but I’m undoubtedly an introvert as well. My many-tracked mind likes to conjure up jokes, and I like to share them. After all, happiness is only real when shared. I’m the nerdy version of a class clown at times, but I’ll tell you straight out that such things as I am wont to share are trivial to who I really am.
On important subjects where I might value someone’s judgment, I find myself much more introverted. I don’t take compliments well, I don’t dance, and if I share a meaningful thought it comes only after much mental wrangling over the proper way to express it... though I often ramble on in futility anyway. It’s even an effort for me to post to this continually unfolding manuscript of greatness, because I try to infuse the essence of my spirit into these postings, but I do it anyway because it’s a good mental exercise... but it is a very difficult task for many reasons.
Many-tracked minds don’t slow down and ponder life in a very linear manner and, beyond my ADD tendencies - I have a tough time mind-wrapping the subject of… myself.
Given recent pre-paternal reflection, I can not but make the somewhat ironic conclusion that as of right now I am a Mister of Mystery to myself. Of the near-infinite qualities I could possess, I can’t identify a single one which I definitively claim as my own. In my dreams I play a fairly standard role, but in real life I find myself quite molded by circumstance and timing. All things Jamal appear to me as a shade of gray in the long-run.
One who lives life with purpose will discover truths about the universe and can, through parenting, share them with another, thereby providing the foundation for the evolution of humanity. A parent’s learned reality is a child’s inheritance. - JB 11/20/11If I don't know of myself, what is my learned reality? Right now my unborn child is heir to nothing more than air… a lot of it… and it tends to runs hot.
This merits more reflection.
