Please, Sir, I Want Some More

Shelly and I stayed home for the first full weekend in what feels like the entire summer.  We baked fresh foods with ingredients from our garden, walked to a coffee shop and grocery store, cleaned, weeded, cut my hair, and generally relaxed.

Home, Again, At Last

cicadas singing, fan turns round

peaceful nights and summer sounds

it's finders keepers - life is found

-JB 08/21/11

Life is made up of minutes, days, and years; but is lived only in such moments as are stolen and sufficiently and joyously squandered in the simplicity of togetherness with loved ones.

From Sixteen To Marriage

Paranoid Loneliness

cloaked in shrouds of brash words

and the false bravado of youth

eyes unsmiling tell the story

of almost men and near women

searching frantic for someone

who reminds them

of what Jackie Wilson said

- JB 08/15/11

Per normal, I have little meaningful to say - though even less this time.

I was just remembering today what it was like to be single.  Fortunately, I married young or I certainly would have gone crazy.  Everyone I met was first considered as a potential mate and second as a person.  I was an almost man on a mission, for certain, though in many ways it was a waste of time.

I was rarely interested enough to try a relationship and even then didn't commit to it.  Man is nothing if not often self-defeating and I fit the bill more often than most.  Eventually I came to a point where I decided that it was going to happen or not, and I gave up trying.  Within months Shelly and I were dating.

You've Eight Years? More Like Eaten Them.

When I got married, my mother said that we would grow together or grow apart. Eight years later, and that statement still makes me stop and think.

Voyeur Moon

my wife’s music plays loud

driving south as the moon shines down

she belts out the tunes

on the way to a good friend’s wedding

i listen as she tells me how good each song is

and which ones used to remind her of me

over the years i’ve learned the words

and offering my voice brings peace

-JB 08/12/11

Love is like the wind; a stirring up of emotions.  Love is like the wind; it can be there and gone in moments.  Love is like the wind; it helps by pushing you onward.  Love is like the wind; it will break your umbrella if you aren’t careful.  Love is like the wind; refreshing.  Love is like the wind; you’ll fall on your face if you lean into it when it doesn’t blow back.

There is no recipe for love, nor is there a snake oil cure for being unlucky in it.  It’s human nature to want to share experiences when one feels they are relevant.  This isn’t a self-help book and I’m not opening an ashram, but life teaches as one goes and I find myself valuing two lessons more than others. 

1. Speak from love, and hear love.  Assume the best of the others’ intentions.  When an argument arises, it’s more likely miscommunication than ill-intent.  Have the maturity to let go of frustration and remember that the other person is trying to understand your crazy self just as much as you are them.  Rarely is somebody not trying, so don’t let that be your reflexive response.
2. Be willing to lose yourself to the marriage.  Open up and find the new you.  Your mannerisms are not solid gold to everyone and may not even be solid gold to you, if you only knew better.  More likely, you stumbled onto your habits through happenstance and repetition.  That’s hardly a good reason to cling to anything, and may be just the reason to run away therefrom.

Mid-Mountain Meditations / Math and God

We've all got our paths to walk, but as I look up from somewhere part-way up the infinite mountain, I find myself both exhilarated by the journey and stunned by the impossible-to-mind-wrap magnitude of it all.

Un Enlightened

my mind careens wild

down roads known

yet never explored

a path worn well

to a destination

never reached

light floats in the distance

ghostly, ethereal

never to be attained

-JB 08/08/11

The thing about the infinite mountain is that, no matter how much further I go up, I never quite get to even a percent climbed.  I can look back down the mountain and track the path from whence I came.  Even so, I haven't even begun to climb, statistically speaking.

From where I stand, (part-way up and guessing at it all), that is what the Prophets of God mean when they discuss Him as "unknowable."  My philosophy teacher liked to claim that as contradictory, for even to know God as "unknowable" is to know God.  Statistically, though, it is less than irrelevant.  I know of God, I do not know Him.  To me, that is a significant difference.

Some also ask:  

Why climb if you can't get to the top? 

I can't answer for you, but for me it is simple.  I can always move up relative to where I was/am, and that is quite rewarding... when I am able to mind-wrap the significance.

Measuring The Apple's Distance From The Tree

I'd rather make sense than cents, though I don't know that I often succeed at either.  Too often, my search for the words to express the sentiment that I feel deep within my spirit comes up empty.  It's just one of the many things I am bad at.  I try my best to be unpredictable too, but it seems that the only surprise I've managed to pull off so far is when I realized that I wasn't.  Still, I can't but ride on through the night, laptop desperado that I am.  Besides, writing gives me the Pinnochio effect.  (I feel like a real boy)

Organic Apples

songs ring out in my head

wrapt in memory

everything means more when you’re young

and your parents believe

time has passed me by

until even the man in the mirror

doesn’t know my name

but it’s still teaser putting me to sleep

and firecats run wild in my dreams

where i’d rather clean windows

than be a rich man

on comes the call

social justice

sounding in the distance

behind walls

i hear the screaming

left then right, left then right

a solider marching

all the time i’m left

until i make it right

no, my father’s ghosts don’t haunt me

and my mother’s sorrows don’t get me down

but i’ve both their hearts within me

and my own small thorny crown

- JB 08/04/11

Pay No Attention To The Random Thought Behind The Curtain

“Eat your oversize lollipop, and shut up.” – Munchkin Proverb

What most people don’t know about the Lollipop Guild is that they later disbanded to form the Lollipop Union and work for the good of munchkins everywhere.  The good witch didn’t like it much, as she soon had to sell her magic-bubble flying car, but it happened.  Elitists always hate equity – unless it is the kind that you add to liabilities to equal assets.  Me?  I think equity is a necessary component of justice for all.  It’s what makes America the bee’s knees.

Speaking of which - Do bee's knees get old and achy after awhile, and, if so, should that temper my use of the phrase "this is the bee's knees"?  The last thing that I want to do is have to then qualify that statement by clarifying that I am only referring to young bee's knees... because at that point it just doesn't sound cool.

Headphone Handicapped

With What Shall We Water The Wallflowers?

Every generation throws a hero up the pop-charts, and every generation finds something it dislikes about the next one.  As I approach my 29th birth anniversary, I’m beginning to cultivate the seeds of my inherent disdain for young whippersnaps everywhere.  We live in a time of iPods and online personalities, where even natural extroverts find themselves at least moderately socially incapable… because they only socialize when necessary and, even then, do so grudgingly.

People about my age and older can sustain this deficiency, because we learned interpersonal skills long ago.  We post status updates and write blogs *cough* to supplement relationships and self-expression - we don’t do it as our primary outlet.  These new wallflowers don’t have that background, and it hurts them.  They don’t just stand to the side at dances; they stand to the side of life itself, content to flower behind walls of their own construction.

Airplane Etiquette “aka Roller’s Special Request”

Pa’s Faux Pas
keep it together
now is not the time or place
farting on a plane
- JB 08/01/11

Look, I know the food on airplanes is bad, but who do you think you’re kidding?  That stench is not your mystery meat and vegetable medley.  You do realize that there are bathrooms, right, but no windows that I can crack?  This is like riding in the car with my uncle Dave, only it isn’t the window-lock button that has been pressed, and no amount of begging is going to convince the captain to make a pit-stop.  There should be a “no-smoking” equivalent on planes where one has to make a pledge not to eat beans and/or ethnic food for three days before a flight.

“Yes, I’d like a no-ass-dropping seat please.  Thanks!”

Airplanes are like mullets.  Everything is good and professional in the front, but the further back you go, the dirtier and poorer it looks.  Me?  I’ll take the party in the back, even if it means sitting next to a known ass-dropper or two.  People back there are real and have personalities.

This "Green" Post Was Made of Recycled Thoughts

'And', And Nothing More

like getting to the top of a mountain

and expecting a revelation

only to find yourself out of breath

dazzled by the sights

but awaiting an emotion that never comes

like seeing a pretty painting

but wanting a movie

even your daydreaming

suffers from insomnia

in the shadow

of expecting 'and'

when the sentence ends

-JB 07/29/11

As a reader of this continually unfolding manuscript of greatness, I hereby notify you that class is in session.

I've been told that depression runs in my family, and, truth be told, I've seen some evidence to support the assertion.  I must admit, though, I don't really "get" depression, at least not in the way others seem to describe it.  I mean, I understand it cognitively, and I've experienced it intermittently - as have all people.  For me though, it is like a dream.  I'm sad, but I feel disconnected from it until it, eventually, passes.  It doesn't define me and I would distinguish between being depressed, and feeling depressed.

Whatever the source, depression seems generally related to the most basic of philosophical questions - the meaning of life, one's purpose, why am I here.

Let's explore that for a moment.  I exist.

ex·ist - verb

1. to have actual being

2. to have life or animation

3. to continue to be or live

My existence consists of who I am and the actions I take.  Life is not what you make of it. Whoever coined that phrase missed the target.  You are what you make of yourself, life is just what happens - sometimes as a result, sometimes outside of your direct influence. Your inputs and intent matter, the output does not... apart from the effect on your ego.

The point of existence is, therefore, to make one's self. 

"There are many forks in the yellow brick road, but they'll get you to the Emerald City none-the-less." - Munchkin Proverb

Whether you choose the high road or the low road, both will have forks.  We can''t choose when and where we encounter them, but we can choose which direction to go.

Class dismissed.

He Who Shall Be Named, Albeit Generically

"The Man"

villian wrongly named

slander of my own true sex

manly, you are not
- JB 07/25/11

Few have wreaked as much havoc, have engendered such a sense of revulsion, and been so widely looked down on with derision as – The Man.  If truly there is a name written in the stars, they most assuredly read “The Man” - because he either owns them or has enslaved the star people to do his bidding.  Yes, friends, The Man is one dastardly, no-good, has-all-the-connections-so-he-never-loses, straight-up MF’er.

Don’t bother telling him I told you, though, because he won’t believe you.  We’re tight like skinny jeans.

Why is that, you ask?  How could such an upstanding citizen such as myself be so intimately associated with this villain - he who dumps out the last of your milk at night while you lie sleeping, innocently dreaming of a delicious morning bowl of cereal; who steals one of each pair of socks, only to return them to your next load of laundry just after you gave up hope and threw away the other one; who makes your significant other forget to replace the roll of TP when it runs out?

Well, there’s an interesting story behind that, let’s see if I can remember how it goes.  Oh yeah… I remember... it goes something like this:

I’m an even bigger badass!  The end.

Look, I don’t want to take anything away from Darkwing Duck, but if anybody is the headache in the criminal mind –it’s this guy (I’m pointing at myself).  Who is the surprise in your cereal box, the batteries that aren’t included, the wrong number that wakes you at 3 am, the raspberry seed you can’t floss out? Me. I mean, let’s be honest -that cartoon was basically preemptive plagiarism of my life before I lived it.

I know what you’re saying, though: 

"Mr. Black, just looking at you it becomes obvious that you are awesome, but how exactly does this association with The Man prove it?"

First of all, thanks for noticing.  Secondly, I’ll fill you in on a secret – The best way to stick it to The Man is to convince him to pay you to work against his best interests.  That is to say, I’m the chief instigator behind a silent and unannounced mutiny.  Shhh…

Look, all artificial and goofy presentation tactics aside, the best way for most of us to enact meaningful change is to change things from the inside.  Rare is the opportunity to ‘go rogue’ and actually accomplish something.  I know many people who look at the state of the world, and at the institutions that exist, and feel a strong sense of disgust.  I feel that way myself.  The problem, (as I see it), though, is that so many people allow their righteous feelings of frustration to stagnate in a sea of inaction.  It’s hard to figure out how to change systemic problems – because systemic problems are huge, and they don’t derive from a single deficiency.

The way I see it is that action is always best, and any action that isn’t fruitful can be changed when that determination is made.  Beyond that, The Man is either going to have hirelings who make things worse by reinforcing problems… or he can hire me.  

Let’s face it, the systems that are set up, (the ones so many of us feel are used to abuse, misinform, or otherwise oppress), are so effective in doing so because they are utilized by the vast majority of the population… and the people using those systems have the greatest need for change.  By working within the system, you can bring that change directly to them without having to fight for their attention.  From there, it is but a matter of time before they begin to recognize the benefit of the changes (assuming you are right).

I’ll work hard, but I’ll do it with a smile on my face.  I’ll interact with others, but I’ll do it in a way that encourages them towards their own positive action.  I’ll build systems, do tasks, teach others – but always with the goal of creating a more cohesive unit, focused on long-term positive results for humanity as a whole… and, no, not every action or choice that I make will be so clearly imbued with profound implications, but I believe that the truly profound is best hidden in the accumulation of many smaller actions, enacted over a lifetime.